Dear Poe Nose:
I have these neighbors who are really nosey. They call the authorities on us whenever we do anything -- put up a fence, sit outside, pull weeds, etc. Their spying on us is really getting to our household, and we want to know what the best way is to handle such a situation.
Mr. G in Kansas City
Dear Mr. G:
Your neighbors are nosey? What is that? Some kind of underhanded slam? We emancipated respiratory protuberances have feelings, too, you know! After reflecting on it, you may have just used the term in its normal way, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and give you a pass on this one. But don't be so insensitive next time.
Ah, the wonderful world of neighbors! While most of us are going about our busy days, trying to get in a measly hour to ourselves, there are others who have absolutely nothing better to do with their time than peek out their windows at what their fellow man or woman is doing. While this may be annoying, it is not illegal and one cannot help what other people do in the comfort of their own homes.
While setting their deck on fire or mailing them dead rodents would give you that momentary thrill of vengeance, it is a tad over the edge. However, I want to let you know that you can do whatever you want in your own home! The same home that the neighbors seem to be fixated on!
May I suggest doing Yoga...in the nude? Especially if you have put on a few post holiday pounds! Nothing says "HOWDY NEIGHBOR!" like a naked, overweight person doing the Downward Dog.
Then there is the option of putting your TV right by the window and putting on some hard-core porn. I'm not talking about the usual porn either -- I'm suggesting the nasty stuff from, say, Germany or Thailand, where they will be happy to insert anything into whatever orifice is currently available. While it may be embarrassing to purchase these videos, I am certain there are many high-quality websites where you can obtain them with discretion.
Lastly, for the low fee of airfare I can contact my spiritual adviser Mdm. Lola the Voodoo Queen to come on over and do some rituals right in eyeball's way of your neighbor's windows. There is just something about a semi-alchoholic Voodoo queen's séances that sends people running for the hills.
I hope this helps, and please feel free to write in again with any and all of your unanswered questions. I live to be of service.
The Poe Nose
P.S. In case you want to go through with hiring Mdm. Lola, I thought I'd add on this little note I received from that sacred lady just the other day. Enjoy!
Jou steel owe me dat 30 dollah, mon! I tak care of dat problem for jou and jou steef me on da bill, mon. Ef dis keeps up you be havin the wors case of crabs, ahn I doan mean dungeoness! Dey be crawlin up jou legg ahn gettin driver's licenses, mon. Pey up.