Saturday, January 16, 2010

To Be Amish...or Not To Be...

Dear Poe Nose:

I am a teenage Amish girl and am about to go on my Rumspringa. (For those of you who don't know this is generally a period of adolescence for some members of the Amish, where our rules are relaxed and we can choose the Amish way of life or go amongst you hell-bound sinners, leading a life of shopping malls, cellular phones and zippers).

Anyway, I was wondering if you had any advice for me when I go about my descent into the world of ill-fated reprobates and God's unchosen. I mean, how do you fit in with the foredoomed, execrable, cast-out members of the Kingdom? Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Annie Stoltzfus


Dear Annie:

Gosh, I don't know if you really need my advice because you sound like a barrel of laughs already! I'll bet you have a lampshade on your head at every quilting bee!

But you asked for my suggestions and tips, so I would be irresponsible in my duty to you not to give you a few pointers.

First off, two words: belly-button ring and tattoos.

Wait, that was four words, wasn't it? Lemme hell, who's counting, right? Besides, being Amish you were probably home schooled and can't count past three, anyway. Plus I'm kind of hungover from the Critics Choice Awards after party...but we'll get into alcohol later.

First things first! You are going to have to finance this little shindig you are about to go on, so may I propose getting a job at a quaint, wholesome company called Abercrombie & Fitch? Several of the PNose's ex-wives have worked there in their youth, and they just loved it.

I would be remiss in my duty to you not to mention that we heathens expect our youth to do some community service during adolescence. It rounds you out for acceptance at major universities where you can go on spring break at a magical place called Daytona Beach. Some wonderful community service opportunities can be done through church, village organizations and stuff like that. Personally, I spent many a fine hour delivering large pizzas with everything to the Bulimic Girls' Home during my teenage years, and just look at how I turned out!

I would also suggest hanging out at coffee houses. These wonderful spots are found in a variety of neighborhoods. Many of our youth go there to bitch about being broke, the government, community college and their dick boss at Abercrombie & Fitch, all while living in their parents' basements.

Lastly, in re: Alcohol. This may be the most important tip I have to impart to you. Always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- recycle your beer cans and bottles. We here at the Poe Nose Knows are committed to a greener planet and encourage everyone to reduce their carbon footprint.

Thanks for writing in!
The Poe Nose

No comments: