Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Mephistopheles writes...
Dear PNo:
I have a friend (and I use that word in the most liberal sense) who insists on trying to exorcise me on a daily basis (and I don’t mean take me around the block for a walk). Aside from offering a snarky remark here and there and the occasional photo of a snot-nosed toddler or a college dude snorting beer, I don’t know what I have done to give her the impression that my soul needs release from some evil entity within. I don’t froth at the mouth or curse uncontrollably at priests, and I certainly have never had occasion to spew pea-green soup into anyone’s face. Your counsel on this matter is most appreciated!
Mephistopheles
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Dear Mephy (or as I like to call you, Theresa):
You know, sometimes people are simply evil and they just don't know it. Somewhere, waaaay deep down inside you, lurks a seed that has been planted, and it's just growing, growing, growing away into the Sin Tree.
It's probably chromosomal and occurred at conception so you can't help it. Nonetheless, you are obviously a bad egg and your companion can see that, as people who are chosen to be saved can see the black aura that surrounds you. *shrug* Sucks.
While this may alarm many people, I suggest you not fight what has been preordained for you! Accept yourself and your imminent doom and celebrate it! Eat, spend, drink and be merry! Embrace it with open arms and you will be able to sleep peacefully at night.
Do not bother to thank me...I live to be of service!
The Poe Nose
I have a friend (and I use that word in the most liberal sense) who insists on trying to exorcise me on a daily basis (and I don’t mean take me around the block for a walk). Aside from offering a snarky remark here and there and the occasional photo of a snot-nosed toddler or a college dude snorting beer, I don’t know what I have done to give her the impression that my soul needs release from some evil entity within. I don’t froth at the mouth or curse uncontrollably at priests, and I certainly have never had occasion to spew pea-green soup into anyone’s face. Your counsel on this matter is most appreciated!
Mephistopheles
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Dear Mephy (or as I like to call you, Theresa):
You know, sometimes people are simply evil and they just don't know it. Somewhere, waaaay deep down inside you, lurks a seed that has been planted, and it's just growing, growing, growing away into the Sin Tree.
It's probably chromosomal and occurred at conception so you can't help it. Nonetheless, you are obviously a bad egg and your companion can see that, as people who are chosen to be saved can see the black aura that surrounds you. *shrug* Sucks.
While this may alarm many people, I suggest you not fight what has been preordained for you! Accept yourself and your imminent doom and celebrate it! Eat, spend, drink and be merry! Embrace it with open arms and you will be able to sleep peacefully at night.
Do not bother to thank me...I live to be of service!
The Poe Nose
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Getting off the Good Ship Lollypop
Dear Poe Nose:
Should I dump my new Korean boyfriend because he is very clingy, and oh so sugaree, cutesy, apple-pie with cream and cherries on top, puppies & kittens, koalas & joeys, sweet?
P.S. He has come to my country to study English, and obviously to also 'study' some sweet potato rice-queen ass! But mostly to study English.
Anonymous 40 year old, who has been single for 38 of the past 40 years.
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Dear Susie McWhiney:
Look, I don't know if they have something called 'math' in your country of origin, but if you have been single 38 out of the past 40 years, you started dating when you were 2. If this is truly the case, you have bigger problems than a clingy dude, my friend.
Secondly, if you have been single 38 out of those 40 years, then you should be delighted with whatever carbon-based life form comes along -- and stop worrying about how clingy and whiny the guy is.
Seeing that this seems to be your one and only shot at a relationship, why not sit him down and gently explain to him that you are really happy he is so nice, and it's a wonderful quality in a man, and that *some* girls out there like the cutesy talk but you aren't really one of them. Explain to him that you find him attractive and that he's a good person, but you don't need all the sugar in a relationship -- you are looking for something real to grab hold of, and you know it's there in him -- and see how he responds. He may just be conditioned to act this way -- maybe his mother/sister/ex-girlfriend etc. expected him to behave like that, and he simply doesn't know any better now that he's with you.
If he doesn't take the hint and you cannot stand it, you may have to end the relationship and let him find another survivor of the Good Ship Lollypop to attach himself to, thus resigning yourself to being a lonely sweet-potato queen waiting for his King to come along.
Or you can always try eHarmony. I hear good things...
The Poe Nose
Should I dump my new Korean boyfriend because he is very clingy, and oh so sugaree, cutesy, apple-pie with cream and cherries on top, puppies & kittens, koalas & joeys, sweet?
P.S. He has come to my country to study English, and obviously to also 'study' some sweet potato rice-queen ass! But mostly to study English.
Anonymous 40 year old, who has been single for 38 of the past 40 years.
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Dear Susie McWhiney:
Look, I don't know if they have something called 'math' in your country of origin, but if you have been single 38 out of the past 40 years, you started dating when you were 2. If this is truly the case, you have bigger problems than a clingy dude, my friend.
Secondly, if you have been single 38 out of those 40 years, then you should be delighted with whatever carbon-based life form comes along -- and stop worrying about how clingy and whiny the guy is.
Seeing that this seems to be your one and only shot at a relationship, why not sit him down and gently explain to him that you are really happy he is so nice, and it's a wonderful quality in a man, and that *some* girls out there like the cutesy talk but you aren't really one of them. Explain to him that you find him attractive and that he's a good person, but you don't need all the sugar in a relationship -- you are looking for something real to grab hold of, and you know it's there in him -- and see how he responds. He may just be conditioned to act this way -- maybe his mother/sister/ex-girlfriend etc. expected him to behave like that, and he simply doesn't know any better now that he's with you.
If he doesn't take the hint and you cannot stand it, you may have to end the relationship and let him find another survivor of the Good Ship Lollypop to attach himself to, thus resigning yourself to being a lonely sweet-potato queen waiting for his King to come along.
Or you can always try eHarmony. I hear good things...
The Poe Nose
Saturday, January 16, 2010
To Be Amish...or Not To Be...
Dear Poe Nose:
I am a teenage Amish girl and am about to go on my Rumspringa. (For those of you who don't know this is generally a period of adolescence for some members of the Amish, where our rules are relaxed and we can choose the Amish way of life or go amongst you hell-bound sinners, leading a life of shopping malls, cellular phones and zippers).
Anyway, I was wondering if you had any advice for me when I go about my descent into the world of ill-fated reprobates and God's unchosen. I mean, how do you fit in with the foredoomed, execrable, cast-out members of the Kingdom? Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Annie Stoltzfus
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Dear Annie:
Gosh, I don't know if you really need my advice because you sound like a barrel of laughs already! I'll bet you have a lampshade on your head at every quilting bee!
But you asked for my suggestions and tips, so I would be irresponsible in my duty to you not to give you a few pointers.
First off, two words: belly-button ring and tattoos.
Wait, that was four words, wasn't it? Lemme see....one...two....oh hell, who's counting, right? Besides, being Amish you were probably home schooled and can't count past three, anyway. Plus I'm kind of hungover from the Critics Choice Awards after party...but we'll get into alcohol later.
First things first! You are going to have to finance this little shindig you are about to go on, so may I propose getting a job at a quaint, wholesome company called Abercrombie & Fitch? Several of the PNose's ex-wives have worked there in their youth, and they just loved it.
I would be remiss in my duty to you not to mention that we heathens expect our youth to do some community service during adolescence. It rounds you out for acceptance at major universities where you can go on spring break at a magical place called Daytona Beach. Some wonderful community service opportunities can be done through church, village organizations and stuff like that. Personally, I spent many a fine hour delivering large pizzas with everything to the Bulimic Girls' Home during my teenage years, and just look at how I turned out!
I would also suggest hanging out at coffee houses. These wonderful spots are found in a variety of neighborhoods. Many of our youth go there to bitch about being broke, the government, community college and their dick boss at Abercrombie & Fitch, all while living in their parents' basements.
Lastly, in re: Alcohol. This may be the most important tip I have to impart to you. Always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- recycle your beer cans and bottles. We here at the Poe Nose Knows are committed to a greener planet and encourage everyone to reduce their carbon footprint.
Thanks for writing in!
The Poe Nose
I am a teenage Amish girl and am about to go on my Rumspringa. (For those of you who don't know this is generally a period of adolescence for some members of the Amish, where our rules are relaxed and we can choose the Amish way of life or go amongst you hell-bound sinners, leading a life of shopping malls, cellular phones and zippers).
Anyway, I was wondering if you had any advice for me when I go about my descent into the world of ill-fated reprobates and God's unchosen. I mean, how do you fit in with the foredoomed, execrable, cast-out members of the Kingdom? Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Annie Stoltzfus
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Annie:
Gosh, I don't know if you really need my advice because you sound like a barrel of laughs already! I'll bet you have a lampshade on your head at every quilting bee!
But you asked for my suggestions and tips, so I would be irresponsible in my duty to you not to give you a few pointers.
First off, two words: belly-button ring and tattoos.
Wait, that was four words, wasn't it? Lemme see....one...two....oh hell, who's counting, right? Besides, being Amish you were probably home schooled and can't count past three, anyway. Plus I'm kind of hungover from the Critics Choice Awards after party...but we'll get into alcohol later.
First things first! You are going to have to finance this little shindig you are about to go on, so may I propose getting a job at a quaint, wholesome company called Abercrombie & Fitch? Several of the PNose's ex-wives have worked there in their youth, and they just loved it.
I would be remiss in my duty to you not to mention that we heathens expect our youth to do some community service during adolescence. It rounds you out for acceptance at major universities where you can go on spring break at a magical place called Daytona Beach. Some wonderful community service opportunities can be done through church, village organizations and stuff like that. Personally, I spent many a fine hour delivering large pizzas with everything to the Bulimic Girls' Home during my teenage years, and just look at how I turned out!
I would also suggest hanging out at coffee houses. These wonderful spots are found in a variety of neighborhoods. Many of our youth go there to bitch about being broke, the government, community college and their dick boss at Abercrombie & Fitch, all while living in their parents' basements.
Lastly, in re: Alcohol. This may be the most important tip I have to impart to you. Always -- and I mean ALWAYS -- recycle your beer cans and bottles. We here at the Poe Nose Knows are committed to a greener planet and encourage everyone to reduce their carbon footprint.
Thanks for writing in!
The Poe Nose
Friday, January 15, 2010
Does This Mucus Look Green To You?
Dear Poe Nose:
I have this terrible sinus infectio-
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GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have this terrible sinus infectio-
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GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Nosey" Neighbors
Dear Poe Nose:
I have these neighbors who are really nosey. They call the authorities on us whenever we do anything -- put up a fence, sit outside, pull weeds, etc. Their spying on us is really getting to our household, and we want to know what the best way is to handle such a situation.
Thanks,
Mr. G in Kansas City
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Dear Mr. G:
Your neighbors are nosey? What is that? Some kind of underhanded slam? We emancipated respiratory protuberances have feelings, too, you know! After reflecting on it, you may have just used the term in its normal way, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and give you a pass on this one. But don't be so insensitive next time.
Ah, the wonderful world of neighbors! While most of us are going about our busy days, trying to get in a measly hour to ourselves, there are others who have absolutely nothing better to do with their time than peek out their windows at what their fellow man or woman is doing. While this may be annoying, it is not illegal and one cannot help what other people do in the comfort of their own homes.
While setting their deck on fire or mailing them dead rodents would give you that momentary thrill of vengeance, it is a tad over the edge. However, I want to let you know that you can do whatever you want in your own home! The same home that the neighbors seem to be fixated on!
May I suggest doing Yoga...in the nude? Especially if you have put on a few post holiday pounds! Nothing says "HOWDY NEIGHBOR!" like a naked, overweight person doing the Downward Dog.
Then there is the option of putting your TV right by the window and putting on some hard-core porn. I'm not talking about the usual porn either -- I'm suggesting the nasty stuff from, say, Germany or Thailand, where they will be happy to insert anything into whatever orifice is currently available. While it may be embarrassing to purchase these videos, I am certain there are many high-quality websites where you can obtain them with discretion.
Lastly, for the low fee of airfare I can contact my spiritual adviser Mdm. Lola the Voodoo Queen to come on over and do some rituals right in eyeball's way of your neighbor's windows. There is just something about a semi-alchoholic Voodoo queen's séances that sends people running for the hills.
I hope this helps, and please feel free to write in again with any and all of your unanswered questions. I live to be of service.
The Poe Nose
P.S. In case you want to go through with hiring Mdm. Lola, I thought I'd add on this little note I received from that sacred lady just the other day. Enjoy!
Deah Poe,
Jou steel owe me dat 30 dollah, mon! I tak care of dat problem for jou and jou steef me on da bill, mon. Ef dis keeps up you be havin the wors case of crabs, ahn I doan mean dungeoness! Dey be crawlin up jou legg ahn gettin driver's licenses, mon. Pey up.
Mdm. Lola
I have these neighbors who are really nosey. They call the authorities on us whenever we do anything -- put up a fence, sit outside, pull weeds, etc. Their spying on us is really getting to our household, and we want to know what the best way is to handle such a situation.
Thanks,
Mr. G in Kansas City
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. G:
Your neighbors are nosey? What is that? Some kind of underhanded slam? We emancipated respiratory protuberances have feelings, too, you know! After reflecting on it, you may have just used the term in its normal way, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and give you a pass on this one. But don't be so insensitive next time.
Ah, the wonderful world of neighbors! While most of us are going about our busy days, trying to get in a measly hour to ourselves, there are others who have absolutely nothing better to do with their time than peek out their windows at what their fellow man or woman is doing. While this may be annoying, it is not illegal and one cannot help what other people do in the comfort of their own homes.
While setting their deck on fire or mailing them dead rodents would give you that momentary thrill of vengeance, it is a tad over the edge. However, I want to let you know that you can do whatever you want in your own home! The same home that the neighbors seem to be fixated on!
May I suggest doing Yoga...in the nude? Especially if you have put on a few post holiday pounds! Nothing says "HOWDY NEIGHBOR!" like a naked, overweight person doing the Downward Dog.
Then there is the option of putting your TV right by the window and putting on some hard-core porn. I'm not talking about the usual porn either -- I'm suggesting the nasty stuff from, say, Germany or Thailand, where they will be happy to insert anything into whatever orifice is currently available. While it may be embarrassing to purchase these videos, I am certain there are many high-quality websites where you can obtain them with discretion.
Lastly, for the low fee of airfare I can contact my spiritual adviser Mdm. Lola the Voodoo Queen to come on over and do some rituals right in eyeball's way of your neighbor's windows. There is just something about a semi-alchoholic Voodoo queen's séances that sends people running for the hills.
I hope this helps, and please feel free to write in again with any and all of your unanswered questions. I live to be of service.
The Poe Nose
P.S. In case you want to go through with hiring Mdm. Lola, I thought I'd add on this little note I received from that sacred lady just the other day. Enjoy!
Deah Poe,
Jou steel owe me dat 30 dollah, mon! I tak care of dat problem for jou and jou steef me on da bill, mon. Ef dis keeps up you be havin the wors case of crabs, ahn I doan mean dungeoness! Dey be crawlin up jou legg ahn gettin driver's licenses, mon. Pey up.
Mdm. Lola
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Is "One" Really The Loneliest Number?
Dear Poe Nose:
If one really is the loneliest number, then how can two be as sad as one, or be the loneliest number since the number one? Wouldn't the term "loneliest" convey an absolute rather than a relative value? I'm confused.
Signed,
J. Hodgman
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Dear J:
You have to remember that Three Dog Night, the band that made this song an earworm for depressives everywhere, reached the height of fame during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Obviously the period's appreciation of recreational herbs and spices was good to them, and the semiotics of their lyrics fell by the wayside as a result.
Also, may I suggest getting out of the house for awhile? Because pondering the semiotics of a 70's song lyric -- that's whacked, dude.
The Poe Nose
If one really is the loneliest number, then how can two be as sad as one, or be the loneliest number since the number one? Wouldn't the term "loneliest" convey an absolute rather than a relative value? I'm confused.
Signed,
J. Hodgman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear J:
You have to remember that Three Dog Night, the band that made this song an earworm for depressives everywhere, reached the height of fame during the late Sixties/early Seventies. Obviously the period's appreciation of recreational herbs and spices was good to them, and the semiotics of their lyrics fell by the wayside as a result.
Also, may I suggest getting out of the house for awhile? Because pondering the semiotics of a 70's song lyric -- that's whacked, dude.
The Poe Nose
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